Brain Fog

Alternate Title: I Don't Remember

I am going to take a break in the narrative to explain a huge issue that has gradually overtaken my life. 

Pain and fatigue were the two major issues I was facing at this point in my life, but there was a third that had been pushed to the backburner, until it became impossible to ignore.

For context, I used to be a star-student, would fly through a chapter book every day, and passionately loved to read and write. I aced English every year and it was my favorite. I was writing my own fantasy novel, journaled often, and even had a poetry series that I worked on for fun. I was a highly intellectual student who thrived on a good report project or debate topic. Now, I feel like if I went back to school, I would cry every day. I have abandoned all my writing projects because I can’t do them without massive frustration.

I can never find the words to say, and my family gets frustrated now listening to me trying to talk/tell a story because the words I want are never there. I constantly mix up words in my sentence or switch them around without realizing (i.e. saying “my purse are in my keys”), I forget my train of thought or completely forget what I’m talking about mid-sentence and always stop and have to ask what I was saying, and it is exasperating. 

Every day I find myself googling synonyms to try and find the right word that I KNOW exists and I KNOW that I know it. I used to have a large/eloquent vocabulary, a “word wall” in my bedroom where I memorized new words to add to my speech, aced my latin root quizzes, and now I can’t even think of basic vocab words in the midst of conversation. I even find myself googling things like “the season that comes after winter” because I can’t think of the name for spring, even though I know what it is.

I forget if I’ve taken my meds, if I’ve brushed my teeth, and one time I even thought “I really need to go grocery shopping” and begrudgingly got in the car, only to realize that I had already gone grocery shopping days ago and left everything in the car. 

I do things that don’t make sense, like knowing I need to heat up this bowl of food in my hands and then walking to my bedroom instead of the microwave, then stand there wondering why I’m there. 

I catch myself moments before I am about to apply deodorant to my brush instead of toothpaste. 

I try to leave the driveway and instead of releasing the e-brake, I undo my seatbelt. 

At a vendor event, I sold a pair of $8 and $5 earrings to a customer, and told her in full confidence that her total was $9. Somehow in my head this made perfect sense, and I never would have realized it was wrong if it wasn’t pointed out. 

Another specific example is I wanted to type “beautifully tiered gift” in a text but actually typed “beautiful e-tiered gift.” This made perfect sense to me phonetically and I didn’t notice anything wrong until I went back to make edits and didn’t understand what I wrote. 

My family loves to joke around, and I’ve found myself having delayed reactions and taking too long to think about and understand a joke before I laugh. It is only hours later, usually in the shower or in the middle of the night, that the perfect comeback suddenly comes to me. 

I can’t multitask for the life of me now, I can’t even talk while I drive. Or talk while I do the dishes. Talking takes too much effort for me now. Writing this document is a great feat that has taken me months -- I only have these specific examples of brain fog from writing them down as soon as they happen so that I can explain myself without forgetting -- although, the last thing on my list is “I went to write down something that just happened, but I already forgot what it was.” 

I still have a great love for reading, but mainly rely on audiobooks now. When I read text with my eyes, I struggle to comprehend what a sentence means, and I can read it over and over again until it feels like I’m trying to understand a foreign language. Or I read an entire page and then realize I processed none of what happened, and have to keep going back. Or a common word looks so foreign to me that I wonder if it’s real. However, the main reason I use audiobooks now is because I get headaches from reading now, as well as when I watch tv. I recently had my eyes checked but my glasses prescription has not changed. Even with audiobooks, my reading comprehension is now poor. 

I do have chronic headaches, and that is nothing new, but I used to be able to read and watch movies (and have a conversation) without issue. 

As my brain fog got worse and worse, I literally began to question if I had a TBI, tumor, or something else physically wrong with my brain. 

I was well aware that brain fog is one of the main symptoms of fibromyalgia, and maybe as my pain got better this other symptom increased, but I felt like this was beyond “normal” and was very frustrated with struggling with basic tasks and conversations every day. 

I was attempting to tell my mom about my struggles and how stupid I felt, but the words weren’t there and I just burst into tears. She reminded me of my previous brain cyst and how that might be something to look into again. Later that night, she brought up getting an MRI after reading something about poor balance/coordination and giving me a pointed look (I am the daughter that falls down and walks into walls). 

I feel like I am regressing so much, and it is painful because I used to be the opposite of whatever this is.

I didn't know if this was simply due to my illness or linked to something much more concerning, but I wanted to get it checked out.

I sent a message to my doctor, explaining all of this, thus begins the tale that you will hear in the next post!

Autonomically,

Isabelle